What Means I Love You

My halmeoni didn’t grow up here didn’t know

what words meant good and bad so I grew up knowing that

you look fat meant your outfit is nice

shut up meant thank you –I know and hundreds of other

quips that tore me down to build me up in

her image–her idea of what success looks like was

never a white granddaughter who pretended to know what

Korean words meant gae secki came common almost

as much as babo but I don’t hate her for teaching me that

love is sharp and cold for never saying gamsahmnida I am the

legacy she knows she wanted so I still say saranghamnida

when I leave and God does she think about me now

who does she snipe when I’m too far for the bullets to reach and does

she know that she is the reason I get confused in class

about good American family values does it show on my face

when the boy that held my wrists down and called me whore

that it felt familiar does he love me or want to fuck me God

do I even care yes I do (no I don’t) would she disown me for

being a maechunbu and if she does would I be surprised pardon my

French but holy shit I really don’t know

what means I love you

*Halmeoni–grandmother *Gae secki–son of a bitch *Babo–stupid *gamsahmnida–thank you *saranghamnida–I love you *maechunbu–whore

Abi Rhee