All the things that I know I keep hidden
between my large ears and underneath my
curly hair, because they’re mostly useless things.
Dolphins are actually pretty mean, turns out. The males commit infantcide,
ensuring the female’s availability so they can mate.
Famines can be caused by everything under the sun, including but not limited to
God, volcanic eruptions, increased population, nasty weather, and poor gardening skills.
Hardly affects me.
In this modern society, there are far more useful things to know.
Jobs teach all sorts of valuable skills to
kids, like how to color format cells in Excel, like how to say yes sir and no ma’am,
like how to tell the difference between a TE and DMC crimping tool.
Merlin was a powerful wizard of legend, but he never mastered
napalm. In this modern society, there are many wonders to marvel at.
Overhead fly machines, to get people to meetings and maintain the global supply chain.
Pirates roam the digital seas more than they ever did the real ones,
questing not for gold and jewels but rather free movies and games.
Recently, I fell in love. I think so anyway; love isn’t a skill I’ve worked on.
Skills that I did work on include, but are not limited to,
tying a tie, sitting still, and stretching the truth to impress. These, after all, are
utterly critical skills. Otherwise I would know only useless things.
VeggieTales was on the forefront of 3D animation for some time.
When baking, you can substitute blood in for the eggs. Those little water bear guys are
xenophiles, able to survive in nearly any environment. We, in contrast, survive by teaching our
young crucial skills. In short, you must know how to lie, how to file taxes, the humanity of a
zygote, the formatting of a cover letter, and how your state is gerrymandered and you’re all set.
By William Vance